Witnessing someone you care about flying into a rage is terrifying. Dealing with narcissistic rage means a decision. Do you want this in your life?
How do you deal with someone who becomes raging angry for no specific reason, other than the fact that you’ve dented their ego a little? Welcome to the world of narcissism, and narcissistic rage in particular.
Everyone gets angry from time to time. When we’re angry, we often say things we don’t mean. We might wave our arms around, and we may even do something ill-advised and stupid. While hurting someone in a fit of anger is never acceptable, being angry is a normal human emotion.
Most of us understand anger and deal with it as an emotion in a normal way, most of the time. Sometimes anger bubbles up, but we know how to get over it. It usually bubbles up and subsides pretty quickly. While not ideal, it is quite normal. It is different than the narcissistic rage.
Why would anyone want to be around a narcissist?
Ah, the million dollar question!
I talk about narcissism a lot. I’ve experienced it in a relationship myself and seen many friends deal with it too. But I also find the subject fascinating. One question which comes back to me time and time again is—are narcissists actually just bad people? And, why would you want to be around one in the first place?
The majority of people who ask these questions have never met a real-life narcissist, because when you’ve fallen under the spell of one, you can’t see anything but their good side. Even their faults are twisted in your mind *thanks to them* to be made into your own illusions.
Narcissists aren’t born bad people. They don’t even develop into bad people. They are actually suffering from a personality disorder, which causes them to have a distinct lack of empathy. As a result, they need a huge amount of attention and praise to function.
Once you shake yourself out of their spell, get away from the fake self they’ve created to make you think they’re the epitome of charming, you wonder how you could ever have seen them a different way. It’s hard to explain, put it that way.
What is narcissistic rage?
A narcissist thrives on attention and praise, and the reason they do is because it boosts their self-confidence. Deep down, and in some cases very deep down, narcissists are extremely lacking in confidence. They need you and everyone around them to tell them how wonderful they are in order to feel better. The contradiction? They actually believe they’re the best of the best most of the time.
Confused? You will be!
Like I mentioned, everyone becomes angry from time to time, and we say things we don’t mean. Most of us understand what we did wrong and apologize afterwards, usually groveling to earn forgiveness. We don’t mind doing this, because we accept that we were wrong. However, a narcissist never believes themselves to be wrong, so they’re never going to grovel.
A fit of anger from a narcissist, referred to as narcissistic rage, can be short-lived but extremely intense and can occur in one of two ways:
– Screaming, shouting, yelling and name calling, maybe even throwing things
– Silence and extreme passive-aggressive behavior
Whichever tactic the narcissist goes for, it has the same aim: to cause the person who they deem to have slighted them to apologize and grovel, and then tell them that they were wrong and they’re actually wonderful after all.
See, there is groveling, but it’s the wrong person doing it!
Narcissists are masters of the ‘attack is the best form of defense” mind-set.
Why narcissistic rage happens in the first place?
There are three main reasons why a narcissistic might be thrown into a fit of rage, either a loud fit or a very silent one:
– Someone has dented their ego and hurt their self-esteem
– Someone has tried to challenge the way they feel or their confidence
– Someone has questioned them in some way
Remember, narcissists live in a self-created world of grandeur, but they don’t have any evidence to back any of it up. So, when someone challenges their fake personality, they don’t have words to reply in a sensical way. Instead, they lash out and attack to detract attention.
When you experience a bout of narcissistic rage, the single best way to deal with it is to walk away. Do not give them a reaction, and do not apologize if you have done nothing wrong. Do not ask them what’s wrong, and do not tell them to calm down, do nothing. Just walk away.
Yes, it might make their anger worse, but it will be short-lived. By removing yourself, you gain your own power. The reason I say “gain” is because when you’re in any type of union with a narcissist you don’t have any power, you’ve lost it. The only way to get it back is to play them at their own game, because in the end, it is all a game.
There is no real love in a relationship with a narcissist. You might love them, but you love a fake person. The person they’ve built themselves into isn’t actually real. In return, they’re actually incapable of regular love because they aren’t able to feel empathy like a person who doesn’t have NPD.
So, when you break it down, as painful as it is to hear, it’s not a real relationship, is it?
I don’t mean to be blunt …
I feel the need to explain my blunt words in that last section. I do not wish to hurt you or cause you to feel defensive about your relationship. The fact you’re reading an article about narcissistic rage tells me that you’re dealing with it in reality. Do you really want to be on the receiving end of manipulation and passive-aggressive tactics every time you dare to say something which your partner might not like?
Aren’t relationships about truthfulness and being free to speak and have your opinions and views respected? Aren’t they about mutual love and respect?
None of that can be real in a relationship with a narcissist. The solid reason why is the narcissist’s lack of empathy. You cannot feel love if you cannot feel empathy. If you’re not able to put yourself in the shoes of someone else and understand how they might be feeling when you say or do something, how can you love them?
Nobody deserves a relationship like this. While you might not think you can change them, but you might think you can save them *trust me, I thought that*. The harsh truth? You can’t. The only person who can “save” a narcissist is themselves. They’re unlikely to do anything about it or seek help because to receive help, they first need to admit they have a problem.
Only rarely will you hear a narcissist admit they have done something wrong or there is something wrong with them. For this reason, most narcissists never access the personality disorder treatment which is open to them.
It’s sad, isn’t it?
Narcissistic rage can be terrifyingly loud, or it can be as silent as the grave. The single best way to deal with a situation like this is to get up, walk out, and do not react under any circumstances.