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6 Dec

Closet Lesbian: 15 Telltale Signs You Have a Lesbian Wife

The best way to know if someone’s a lesbian is to ask them, but you can’t ask your wife. So watch out for these signs that you have a lesbian wife.

Not everyone is gifted with gaydars, that incredible ability to sense if someone is a homosexual just by one glance. But imagine this: what if you fall in love with a woman—and even marry her—without knowing that she is, in fact, a lesbian?

Mind you, many a man has tied the knot with a lesbian without knowing. And there are also women who married men only to eventually realize their partner’s preference is for the same sex.

How to know if you have a lesbian wife

It is heartbreaking for a man to find out that he has a lesbian wife. And while media portrays men as avid admirers of lesbian romance, it’s not so appealing when they are left out of the picture. Especially if that man is you.

So how do you know if have a lesbian wife? Before you confront her and risk embarrassing yourself, look out for these signs first.

#1 Who’s the boss? Aside from being stubborn and assertive, she seems to be the one who is in charge of your relationship. It’s her say that always has to stand, and she won’t take “no” for an answer, especially if she wants something done her way. And if that’s not bad enough—she’s literally wearing the pants in your relationship. Your pants, to be exact.

#2 Feminine touch. You’ll know you have a lesbian wife when she doesn’t really have this. She isn’t as concerned about things that most women seem to simply and naturally be interested in. For example, she doesn’t care about home decoration and maintenance, and you’re the one ending up propping a frame of your wedding on the mantle.

#3 Beiber hair. For a time, Justin Beiber’s hair style has been widely popular among lesbians, especially butch ones. So think about a point in your marriage when she sported that ‘do—or she may still be sporting one now.

#4 Body language. You can tell a lot about a person just by their body language. So while your wife is absolutely smoking hot, there’s a good chance you have noticed something off about the way she moves, even long before you got married.

She seems to be more masculine than feminine with her movements: sitting with her legs wide open *which you found so sexy before*, punching you when you make a joke, a subtle hunch on her shoulders when she walks, and so on.

#5 Chick flick flop. While you greatly appreciate that she never once forced you to sit through a chick flick with her before, you now start to doubt what that’s all about. Like, come on. Every straight girl would have at least one favorite chick flick or TV series.

But your wife? You have to force her to even watch Outlander at Netflix. She even scoffs at the cheesy scenes, but would stare intently at every boob scene.

#6 Manicure. Your lesbian wife, if she indeed is one, isn’t interested with long nails, much less nail art. She may even chalk it up by saying she can’t work with long nails.

However, lesbians don’t really have much inclination for this kind of primping. And if you indeed see her with long nails, watch out for short middle and index or ring fingers. She keeps these short because these are her “working” fingers.

#7 Guffaws and bellows. You have always been fascinated by how heartily she laughs. In fact, while you were just dating, this endeared her to you. Aside from that, you also have the same sense of humor that made you believe you’re really compatible with each other.

However, her laugh now bugs you because it’s more manly, and you can’t tell the difference between her laugh and that of your drunk uncle’s.

#8 One of the guys. Not only does she laugh like a man, she also comfortably fits in around a group of guys. Whenever your buddies go to your place for poker night, she tags along and fits right in to the point that your buds even do fist and chest bumps with her.

#9 She has experience. If you really have a lesbian wife, then her past will speak for itself. Maybe she’s really had a girlfriend during her teens, or was a bisexual before you met her.

She may have mentioned bits about her past when she kissed a girl, hooked up with one, went to lesbian bars, or was completely in love with a girl. If she’s mum about her past, you can covertly ask her closest friends for insider info.

#10 Eyes for her. Instead of elbowing you and giving you a fiery glare when your eyes follow a pretty girl crossing the street, she ogles them too. You’re sure that if you’re not with her, she’ll be hooting and cat-calling every woman that catches her eye.

After the two of you stares at one, she’ll say, “She’s so hot,” and this is in no way sarcastic or condescending to you. She just openly appreciates women.

#11 Flirty. You catch her locking eyes with another girl—and it’s not in the friendly way that you know women do with their friends. Hers is flirty and sensual.

At times, you even wonder that if were you not married and were instead just friends, she might stand as formidable competition against you over girls.

#12 Porn preferences. So now that you’re married, you probably have long been comfortable enough to watch porn together. And you know what her preferences are: girl-on-girl action. Enough said.

#13 Jealous husband. Yes, you’ve been a jealous husband for quite a while now. But this jealousy isn’t over some guy—it’s over her girlfriend.

She has this best friend whom she meets with on a regular basis, and when the best friend comes over, it feels like you’re the one who is the third wheel because your wife is overly affectionate with her more than with you.

#14 Her circle. Another sign that you have a lesbian wife can be seen by the company she keeps. Does she have one, two, or more lesbian friends in her circle? If this is the case, then “birds of the feather flock together.”

#15 No appetite. For sex, that is. Since you’ve been dating, you have noticed that she’s not one for intimacy and sex in a way that you would expect. While she’s highly sexual, it seems to you that she’d rather do something else—anything else—than to sleep with you.

She just goes through the motions of having sex with you as your wife, but you have a gut feeling that she doesn’t really enjoy it.

You will know your suspicions are true of having a lesbian wife if many of the things mentioned above check out. But still, the best thing to do is to sit down and talk to her and be supportive and understanding.

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