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17 May

Why the “Nice Guy” Isn’t Really Such a Nice Guy

Is there a “nice guy” or two, buzzing around you, trying to get your attention, seemingly innocently? Here’s why the “nice guy” isn’t such a nice guy.

What does the “nice guy” really want? He wants to be with you. Plain and simple.

Men are not overly nice to women for no reason. He hopes that by being nice, he can worm his way into your affections.

This doesn’t mean every kind act from a man has an ulterior motive, of course not. If he is a friend or even a stranger sporadically doing a kind act, it doesn’t mean he is trying to get in your pants. He is probably just being a friend or a generally kind person.

When he is consistently being overly nice and going out of his way to be your knight in shining armor, then he is probably after something in return. There is a clear line beyond just being a friend. Friends tend to have an equal relationship. You would do something for them just as they would do something for you. It’s not a big deal – that’s just what friendship is.

The “nice guy” is different. This is all one-way traffic. He has put you on a pedestal and is always trying to do things to impress you or to get in your good books. A friend will do something for you when you need something, the “nice guy” will try to do something for you whenever he possibly can because he is trying to win points with you.

Why can’t the so-called “nice guy” just be honest?

Usually, because he is scared of being rejected. He will not tell you what he really wants up front because he lacks confidence and thinks you will reject him. If he can only show you how nice he is and let you get to know the “real” him, he thinks he has a chance with you.

He might have seen you dating bad boys or jerks, so he is more than happy to tell you that they are assholes and that you deserve better. This is coming completely from a place of self-interest. He wants to show you that he is not like those other guys. [A nice guy’s confession – Where to find a nice guy and why you shouldn’t go looking for him]

He is different and will encourage you to avoid them and actively talk down about other guys, under the pretense that he is protecting you and wants what is best for you.

He dreams of the day that you are heartbroken by the jerk you’re dating and come running into his arms. This is exactly when he would try to make his move and show you what he really wants – when you are fragile and upset. That doesn’t sound like a very nice thing to do, does it?

He wants you to be vulnerable, so that he can worm his way in and get what he has wanted all along.

Is the “nice guy” really that manipulative?

Usually, no. Not on purpose, anyway. He is probably unaware of what he is doing and would deny it to the very end. His behavior is born out of his own low self-esteem and lack of understanding of the value of honesty and integrity.

He is likely not trying to be conniving and manipulative, but that is just how his insecurities play out in his behavior towards women. He is probably a nice person, deep down, simply acting out of self-interest to employ a mistaken strategy to gain intimacy with the women he likes.

He has never been exposed to a better strategy, and thus assumes that what he is doing is what he is supposed to do. He will have grown up being told to be nice to women, to be kind and generous, and that this will make women like him.

Of course, men should be kind and generous, but what he fails to understand is that not every woman will like him just because he is kind and generous. Being kind and generous is a given, as it is the minimum expected from another human being, and to have fulfilling relationships with women, he needs more substance to his personality than just being nice.

Everyone acts out of self-interest

If you understand that everything anybody does comes from a place of self-interest, you will be able to see through this strategy and choose wisely whether you want to associate with this kind of man.

We are psychologically wired to be selfish. It is human nature, born out of our evolved survival instinct. We value our interests above all else. Even people who go out of their way to be charitable are fulfilling their own self-interest, via the feelings that charity creates for them – their perceived impact on the world, gaining respect or praise from others, etc.

This all sounds like we are terrible people, but the psychological research is quite clear that we are primarily self-interested. Morality aside, it is just the way it is. In my opinion, the most moral and just thing anybody can do is act from mutual interest.

On acting on mutual interest

Mutual interest is fulfilling your own self-interest, whilst also acting to fulfill the other party’s best interests at the same time. In this context, I believe that being honest and upfront about desires and intentions is in everyone’s best interests.

The man is letting the woman know what he wants and is actively pursuing an intimate relationship with her *his self-interest* without manipulating her or trying to deceive her into falling for him. Whether she wants to pursue something with him or not is her choice *her self-interest*, but everybody knows what the situation is and where they stand.

What to do with the “nice guy”

In this author’s opinion, the best strategy to deal with a “nice guy” is to confront him. If you are sure that he is trying to sneak into your intimacy through the back door, so to speak, confront him about it. Tell him that it is never going to happen and that being nice is not going to get him anywhere.

Unfortunately, most women do not confront the “nice guy” because they like the attention and adulation he gives her. They put him in the friend zone and keep him around because he is kind and nice to her, offers a shoulder to cry on, and she knows she can rely on him to do things for her.

This only encourages the “nice guy” to maintain the faà§ade and hide his true intentions. Because he is never being rejected, he thinks that the nicer he is and the longer you are friends, the more likely he is going to get what he wants.

The fact that he never outright gets rejected acts to reinforce his belief in the superiority of his strategy. Why would he choose to be honest and face a potentially painful and humiliating rejection when he can continue as things are with the belief that one day, things will work out in his favor? *as long as you keep dating jerks while you’re his friend!*

In conclusion, nice guys are probably not evil, but they are acting from a place of self-interest. You, on the other hand, should be wary of possible ulterior motives or manipulation tactics if and when he decides to up the ante on his game.

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