Anal sex can be a very perplexing and scary concept for women. Understanding what drives your guy to want it may help you decide if it is for you.
Anal sex used to be something that not many people spoke of. More for the backroom of the video rental store, it was not mainstream—in the least. With each generation, however, sexual mores break down a little more, and people increase their comfort level.
Enter the internet: men and women are allowed to explore any fetish or fantasy they can dream of. Anal sex used to be something that was more in the “naughty” realm, and something only really promiscuous women engaged in. Now, it is being talked about in movies, across the internet, and even in high school conversations. That doesn’t, however, mean that everyone is comfortable with the idea.
Who is having anal sex?
Men have a tendency to enjoy anal sex more than women or, at a minimum, fantasize about it. In a study conducted in 2015, over 38% of men between the ages of twenty and thirty-nine and over 32% of women ages eighteen to forty-four had engaged in anal intercourse with a heterosexual partner. That is up over ten percent since 1992.
Anal sex used to have the stigma of being just for homosexual men. An alternative out of necessity, if a man just twenty years ago made it known that he was into anal sex, rumors might have abounded about whether he was a closet homosexual.
Things have changed.
For many, anal sex has nothing to do with homosexual or heterosexual sex. It is about doing something that is secret with the person you want to be intimate with. Having anal sex is quite arguably the most vulnerable you can be with another person.
A man’s desires can be confusing to a woman
It is a very confusing concept to a woman. If you have a vagina to enjoy, why isn’t that enough? Women may wonder why it takes another hole to excite their men. For many, it feels like what they have is not good enough, that their male partner is bored, or that they enjoy doing things that will hurt. [Check out: Does anal sex have to be painful? A guide for rump lovers]
Let’s be honest: anal sex is painful. There are no two ways about it. It hurts, it is uncomfortable, and if you aren’t careful, you can end up seriously injured. Feeling sexy about it yet? It is not unusual for a woman not to want to jump in headfirst, shouting, “Sounds like a great idea!”
Research: why are guys are enticed by anal sex?
There is evidence to show that anal sex is not a new phenomenon. It has been practiced throughout the centuries by both homosexual and heterosexual couples, as far back as the middle ages. Arguments are that men used it to avoid pregnancy, but that just doesn’t answer the question about why now, with all the birth control means available, they still want to engage in anal sex.
There is some research to suggest that a guy fantasizes about having anal sex with a woman because he knows that the woman has absolutely no intention of using him to get pregnant. Knowing that it isn’t about conception or procreation, a man sees it as a more “raw” act of sexual activity. It is sex for nothing more than sex. There is also evidence to suggest that men like to feel as if women trust them enough, and are willing to give themselves over to them completely, to go places no one else has ever gone. Giving her body over to him, he has ultimate control over her. [Not ready to try anal sex quite yet? Read: How to keep a guy interested in 30 super sexy ways]
Generally, a woman who is willing to give it a try is more open-minded when it comes to sexual experiences and may be more comfortable with her sexual identity. Willing to take a chance, she is someone who may be more adventurous, more orgasmic, and might know exactly how to turn a guy on.
Further, it is no surprise that many men and women can’t always communicate with one another. When they make the decision to engage in anal sex, it is a conscious decision, and one that has to be discussed, planned, and talked about. Perhaps it is in those communications when both can find a way to speak and be heard. For couples who have a harder time with intimacy, that can feel like an open door to be vulnerable with each other, and to give of themselves.
Why women fear anal sex
Ask any heterosexual man if he would enjoy taking a dildo and inserting it into his anus and, more than likely, he won’t think it’s a good idea. There seems to be a double standard: it is okay for you, but not for me. Wanting to give, but not receive, it leaves women fearful that it is a selfish act on behalf of their partners. [Try: How to stop selfish people from hurting you]
The confusion is only heightened by the pornographic images spread throughout the internet. Anal sex is not something intimate between two people, but is shared with the world, and is often performed in a way that appears demeaning to women. Going from ass to mouth, and watching women demean themselves on camera, confuses many women into thinking that a guy just wants to dominate her and violate her in a violent, disturbing manner.
Is anal sex for you?
Sex can be a very loving thing for a relationship—or a very destructive one. No one can answer whether you should try anal sex but you. The fact that you are researching it right now may be an indication that you are intrepid about it. There is good reason to be fearful: it is not like anything that you have experienced before, and it is something that, if you aren’t ready, will not be a pleasant experience.
The key to knowing whether you should give in and give it a try is to figure out exactly why you would. If you are giving in and giving yourself over because it is something that he wants only, you run the risk of feeling resentful and used. If you are worried about it, nervous, or just downright opposed, but appease him anyway, it will not be a positive step in your relationship. It may end in anger, a lower opinion of your partner, or feelings of coercion or disrespect. [Check out: 15 types of toxic relationships to watch out for]
When it may be a bad idea
Just like any sexual encounter that you have with a stranger, a lover, or your spouse, it can’t be something that you feel pressured to do or are not ready for. If you think that if you just do it for him, it will make him happy, think again. The things that we do for someone else, at the detriment of ourselves, never work out the way we want them to.
Also, if you give it a try, and he finds out that he really loves it, and you hate it, you’ll find yourself in a real conundrum. It is like introducing a drug, then taking it away. It will always leave you wondering if he is getting vanilla during vaginal intercourse when he wants chocolate.
The key is your own comfort level. You need to feel like you are making a conscious choice or that you have one at all. If any guy is pressuring you into doing anything that you aren’t comfortable with, then it is a very bad idea. When someone feels used, humiliated, or taken advantage of, it can break up even the best of relationships. The last thing you want is for it to remain the elephant in the middle of the room, destroying the active sex life you *probably* already have. Sometimes the old mantra, “If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it” may apply.
Some women feel like they owe their guy a try. Knowing that there are other women who may give him what he wants, you might be afraid that if you don’t engage, he’ll move on. The truth is, if anal sex is all it would take to make him stray or dump you, he will do it over something else. Making someone do something they aren’t ready for or are against isn’t love. There is nothing loving about coercing someone into compromising their principles or themselves. [Want to explore before you take the plunge? Check out: How to be a freak in the sheets without being creepy]
The positives: why you may want to
If you are someone who is not opposed to trying new things and doesn’t take things too seriously, you may want to give it a go. Many women find it very enjoyable once they get past the first time. Anal sex can heighten your orgasm, allow you to feel vulnerable with your mate, and may be something that turns you on collectively.
If you have anal sex not just for him, but for the experience it holds for you, it can be something that you can share together. Like having an inside joke, it can be the one thing that just the two of you have. Doing something that you haven’t done with someone before, anal sex can be a real bonding experience. The communication involved–even required–will not only heighten sexual arousal, but just may teach you how to be more open about your sexual likes and dislikes. [Try: 10 kinks adventurous couples have to try at least once]
If you aren’t sure, it is perfectly reasonable to put it off for a while. Taking the time to make an informed decision may take the fear out of it. Many great sex toys will give you a taste of what it is like. If you start out small, you may find out quickly whether it is for you or not. Like anything, introducing it slowly may help you both be more comfortable about making a decision.
Most of all, it is important for you not to make an assumption about why your guy wants to have anal sex. If you assume it is something lacking in your current sex life, or he wants to debase you, then it isn’t something you are going to be comfortable with.
[Next, read: The bottom of it – 10 misconceptions about anal sex]
Take the time to talk to him and find out why he likes anal sex and why it appeals to him. Maybe if you can find out why he wants to have anal sex, you will be able to choose whether it is worth giving a try.