They say you have to put yourself out there. But are you enticingly presenting yourself to the world or are you pushing yourself onto other people?
We all know how uncomfortable it is to deal with pushy people. We’d never want to subject anyone to such behavior. No one consciously sets out to be annoying or overbearing, yet it’s surprisingly easy to show that side of yourself when you’re dating. You may not realize it, but you may be getting a little too “in your face” to be attractive.
You may have a mental image of what it means to come on too strong. You’re probably thinking of a scantily clad woman showcasing her goods to her date. She may use suggestive language as she seductively bites her lower lip. Heck, she might even go for the unexpected crotch grab!
Unfortunately, this poor caricature of an aggressive woman is nowhere near accurate. In the modern dating scene where subtlety reigns supreme, it may be easy for you to think that you’re being subtle, when in fact, you’re making your date feel like prey. And that’s exactly why it’s so easy to be oblivious to the fact that you’re being way too forward.
Signs you’re being a little too aggressive towards your date
Are you scaring your dates away before the check comes, unsure of what you’re doing wrong? Here are eight signs that will tell you if you’re coming on too strong.
#1 E-inundation. Everyone loves the occasional call/text/tweet from an admirer. These quick messages not only show him that you’re thinking of him, but they also serve as an attempt to stay on a guy’s mind. In moderation, this gesture is sweet. In excess, e-inundation is just creepy.
When you blow up your date’s inbox after one or two excursions, you appear weak and needy. You don’t want to give anyone the impression that you’re desperate, especially your date.
Dating guru David Wygant suggests asking yourself these three questions before reaching out:
– Are you reaching out to make or confirm plans? If the answer is yes, feel free to hit send.
– Does he respond to your messages quickly? If he takes a while to get back to you, now is the time to fall back.
– Has it been a few days since you last spoke? If so, he’s had the chance to miss you, and that “what’s up” text will seem sweet, not stalker-ish.
Remember, he approached you because you’re a strong, beautiful woman. No man is actively pursuing a stage five clinger. Don’t be that girl.
#2 Pop ups. Pop-ups are surprise visits to a friend/loved one’s home or workplace. Pop ups are also for people in serious romantic relationships. Showing up at your date’s office unannounced with a picnic lunch may sound thoughtful, but I assure you, he will think you are guano crazy.
If you’d like to avoid restraining order status, wait for an invitation to stop by. When a man misses you, he’ll tell you with an “I miss you,” here, or a “when can I see you?” there. Trust me, if he’s into you, a pop up on your part won’t even be necessary. You’ll probably be on the receiving end of his advances.
#3 Aggressive flirting. Who among us doesn’t enjoy the art of flirtation? I mean, flirting is the fun, sexy foundation of dating. There’s nothing wrong with flirting with your date. If your flirtation turns to groping and heavy sexual innuendo, as a lady, you will run into trouble.
While flirting is a big part of dating, most guys would genuinely like to get to know you better. By laying your Lolita on too thick, you prevent him from learning who you are. He’ll become frustrated and ultimately disinterested. Hello, sixteen unanswered texts.
Conversely, you may encounter a gentleman who has no interest in getting to know you as a person. He may interpret your super cheeky behavior as an invitation to get freaky. In the event that you let things go to the bedroom, you’ll have given him everything he wanted, and no reason to ever answer your calls again.
It sounds cheesy, but there’s nothing wrong with leaving something to the imagination. Men love a bit of mystery, so keep your sexy subtle. He’ll be intrigued, and your dignity will be intact. Everyone wins.
#4 Staking your claim. The “where is this going?” talk can be the first step toward a long, healthy relationship. However, having such a discussion after only a few dates can be the kiss of death.
As much as you enjoy his company, if you’ve only been on a few dates, this loaded question puts your crush under way too much pressure. You’re also doing yourself a disservice. Think about it: what if he says, “Let’s be together,” then turns out to be a complete spaz? Now, you’re sweating in a hell of your creation, because you couldn’t be cool.
Instead of freaking him out, relax, have fun, and let things progress naturally. If you’d still like to be exclusive after a few months, but he hasn’t brought up the topic, feel free to speak your piece.
#5 The aisle six shuffle. Similar to the pop-up, the aisle six shuffle involves frequently “bumping into” your date at his favorite grocery store/coffee shop/jock strap boutique. Running into him every once in a while at a place you both frequent is one thing. But stalking his Insta-flick locations, then showing up at a bar three cities over because you were “in the area,” is another.
If the aisle six shuffle fits your M.O., I’d like to let you in on something: you are setting yourself up for a world of pain. How will you feel when you see him sitting with his friends, pointing at you and telling them, “That’s the crazy chick I’ve been telling you about. Yup, the one who won’t leave me alone”?
I’ll do you one better: How will you feel when you see him sitting at the table with his arm around someone who’s actually captured his interest? That’s the thing about coming on too strong— you can’t make anyone maintain their interest in you. If he’s not into you, there’s nothing you can do but move on.
#6 Baby talk. What would you say if a complete stranger approached you on the street and asked you to marry him or be the mother of his children? No matter how attractive he appeared, you would be uncomfortable and apprehensive to say the least. The only difference between this scenario and a family planning convo during a date is the setting.
You don’t want to freak your date out. Telling him he’d make a great father on your first outing is a surefire way to do just that. Not only will you come across as creepy, but you’ll inevitably make yourself too available, which is a sign of desperation. Remember, you’re too strong and too cute to be desperate.
Don’t discuss getting married, having children, or moving in together on your first few dates. As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t talk about having children or joint living spaces, until you’ve dated exclusively for quite some time.
#7 Monopolizing their time. There’s a euphoria that comes with finding someone you truly like. You enjoy the way you feel when you’re around them and crave that feeling in their absence. That said, your date is his own person with his own friends and interests. Demanding that he spend all of his time with you, especially in the beginning, is a big no-no.
There’s an old saying that rings true in instances where couples spend too much time together: “Familiarity breeds contempt.” What that means is the more time you spend with one another, the faster you’ll grow tired of each other’s unfavorable little idiosyncrasies.
Also, if you’re making a fuss about spending all of your time with your crush, you’ll give him the impression that you don’t have a life of your own. Loneliness + clinginess = neediness, which you already know is a huge turn-off.
The best piece of dating advice I ever received was this: don’t make yourself too available. Occupy your time with friends and activities that make you happy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’ll be on cloud nine after your break.
#8 Too much too soon. No one is perfect, and everyone has skeletons in their closets. Anyone in a strong relationship will tell you that honesty is an instrumental part of their bond. That said, you can be too honest too soon, and your first date is no country for tales of your sordid past.
It’s easy to let your words flow when you find someone you can connect with on a personal level. Disclosing your secrets, vulnerabilities, or sins from past relationships will make your date uncomfortable and encourage him to look at you in a different light. You want to put your best face forward, not send him running.
Dr. Gerry Heisler, Ph.D., recommends waiting six months before spilling your soul. If the two of you are meant to be, you have plenty of time to get to know one another. If not, you know that your secrets are still safe. In either instance, there’s no need to rush.
While there are several ways to come on too strong, there’s honestly only one solution: calm down. We often come on too strong as a result of overanalyzing situations when we’re nervous, anxious or excited. If you stop, breathe, and look at your actions objectively, you’ll keep your date interested, instead of driving him away.