Sex might be the best weapon you have in your arsenal, but you might want to know a few things before putting that particular weapon to use.
Have you ever used sex to get your partner to do the dishes, clean the house, or give you a lengthy massage? Or maybe even threatened to take it away from them if they did something you didn’t like? If you have done any of these things, you’ve used sex as a weapon.
I am no stranger to using sex as a weapon—just like many other women out there. I’ve withheld it, bribed my boyfriends with it, and even promised it in return for gifts. Although it definitely worked at the time, there were some repercussions later on.
Sex: a weapon for destruction
You can definitely use sex as a weapon—it’s a darn good one. However, there are definitely some drawbacks to using sex to get what you want. It may be a quick fix to your current problem, but it will ultimately lead to a worse path. [Check out: Using sex as a bargaining tool: why it’s a terrible idea]
If you want to use sex as your personal tool to finagle your partner into doing what you want, beware of the consequences. The next time you think that you can trade your body for a chore around the house, think about these harsh truths.
#1 You’re sending a bad message about your standards. This is by far the worst part about using sex as a weapon: when you show someone that you are using your body as a means to get what you want, it definitely sends a bad message about your self-respect and standards.
They may start looking at you differently, and subconsciously even lose some respect for you. So, just don’t do this—for your own sake.
#2 You’re not confronting the issue. When you use sex as a weapon or a reward, you’re not really getting to the meat of the problem at hand. When you use sex to “solve” your problems, all you’re doing is pushing those issues out of the way by having sex, and then keeping them there until the next time you get angry.
#3 It won’t solve anything. Because you’re not actually addressing the issues that lead to you wanting to use sex as your weapon, you’re not actually solving anything. Whether you use it to get over an argument or because your significant other never does the dishes and you want them to, you’re not fixing anything.
#4 It will actually lead to more fights. Since you’re not solving anything, but holding onto all of the issues and putting them aside for the time being while you get busy between the sheets, you’re bound to “explode” one day.
Not only will you have a big blow-up about pent-up anger, but you can create new fights when your partner realizes they only get sex when you get something in return. By using sex as a weapon, you’re actually causing more problems in your relationship.
#5 They won’t appreciate sex as much. They’re not going to appreciate their time having sex with you if they always have to do something to earn it. They will feel like you only want to get naked with them if they do something for you.
This not only removes the joy from having sex—it will also put a damper on their self-esteem, because they’ll realize you only desire them when you get a “gift” in return. They’re a person, not a dog, and sex is not a “treat,” but a vital part of your relationship.
#6 You’re also using it against yourself. Um, hello?! Who in their right mind would deprive themselves of sex just to prove a point and win an argument? Not me! Using sex as a weapon against your partner also hurts you.
Not only do you harm your partner by withholding sex, you also begin to resent them when you start feeling deprived—as if it’s their fault! This can lead to issues in your relationship.
#7 They’ll expect sex as a “reward” and will be disappointed when you don’t comply. Your significant other should do kind things for you because they care about you, not because they’ll only get laid if they do.
When you start putting this mentality into them by using sex as a reward system, they’ll be angry and upset when they do something good, but don’t get to fondle you later. That’s your doing, too, so you can’t get mad at them for it.
#8 They won’t learn anything. Using sex as a weapon teaches your significant other that they can have sex if they do what you say. That’s not teaching them anything or adding any value to the relationship–at all.
Communication is the only way you can really teach your partner to do the things you like in order to make you happy. Sex should never be used as a mechanism to “train” them. [Try: 15 types of toxic relationships to watch out for]
#9 You won’t enjoy sex as much. You should have sex because you care about your lover and because you want to. But when you start using sex as a weapon, you’re only going to see it as a means to get what you want, and that really takes all the joy out of the act.
You will actually start to see sex as a chore instead of a fun way to connect with your partner and get intimate. When you remove the fun of sex in a relationship, it’s mostly downhill from there.
#10 It throws a wedge into the dynamic of your entire relationship. This is especially true if you’re new to using sex as a weapon. When you have a routine going in your relationship and the two of you are doing well, withholding sex so they’ll do what you want throws it off balance.
They’ll wonder if you’re having second thoughts, or may not even understand what you’re doing, and you’ll feel like you always need to use it in order to get the things you want. It effectively ruins the loving dynamic of your relationship.
[Read next: 25 must-follow relationship rules for happy love]
Although many of us use sex as our best weapon against our partners, we should really stop and think about the harm it could be causing in our relationships. Nothing good comes from using sex as a weapon.