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4 Jan

Time on Your Side: Should You Follow the 90 Day Rule?

When it comes to relationships, who’s to say what works and what doesn’t? So when it comes to building the perfect relationship, is the 90 day rule right?

Imagine being on the best date of your life with someone with whom you have amazing chemistry. There’s a connection, all right. And that sexual chemistry—neither of you can deny it. But should you invite your date to your place and jump in bed together right away? Or should you follow the 90 day rule presented by Steve Harvey *you know, the guy who made a boo-boo mixing up the Miss Universe winner* in his best-selling book?

Here, we drum up the reasons why you should and shouldn’t wait 90 days before having sex with someone. Read up and decide for yourself.

Why the 90 day rule rocks

Many women swear by the 90 day rule, and here’s why they think it rocks.

#1 It weeds out the wrong ones. Let’s admit it—there are players out there who are on the prowl for an easy hookup. They’re easy to spot. However, there are those we’d like to call “wolves in sheep’s clothing,” who simply seem insincere about their intentions. This type is hard to read, and you won’t know just what their true intentions are until you sleep with them. By following the 90 day rule in dating and waiting to sleep with them for at least three months, you can feel out the person and reveal if they are truly after having a relationship with you or just getting into your pants.

#2 It allows you to get to know each other better. The 90 day rule allows you to really  get to know each other and see if you have an emotional connection, which is important if you want to get into a serious relationship. By waiting 90 days before you get in the sack, you get to focus more on finding out things about the other person, and vice versa. You get to explore what you have in common, and even spend time doing the *non-sexual* things you like doing together.

#3 It allows you to separate truth from trick. Your mind, body, and heart can play tricks on you, on top of the tricks and mind games that the other person may be playing. So what you may think is attraction or even love may end up being infatuation. By not waiting, you can end up making all kinds of decisions that you may regret in the end.

#4 It keeps you healthier. The number of sexually transmitted infections is on the rise, and many of these even go undiagnosed. By following the 90 day rule, you give yourself plenty of time to know *and investigate* the sexual history of your date. While you can’t ask about his sex life at the get-go, going out for a couple of months helps you be comfortable enough to eventually be open and honest with your date about their sexual history.

#5 You don’t get too attached. Sex creates a bond that you won’t often have if you’ve been going out and not having sex yet. This is because having sex makes two people more attached *thank you, oxytocin*. Therefore, if you have sex earlier than 90 days, there’s a bigger chance that you’ll get too attached before even knowing the real deal about the person. Talk about the libido taking the lead.

#6 The wait makes it more exciting. There’s also a sense of excitement that comes with waiting 90 days. There’s the thrill of the forbidden, as you have made your decision clear with him. There’s also that electrifying feeling of reaching the finish line that, when the moment indeed comes, is like fireworks.

#7 It allows you to prepare. Waiting for 90 days before having sex with your date allows you to be emotionally, mentally, and physically prepared. Sex is good, sex is great, but it also has its share of strings and complications. You don’t want to go at it too soon, only to realize that you now regret it, do you? By waiting, you can prepare yourself for the next step so that when you do reach the goal, you and your partner are both ready and committed.

Why the 90 day rule won’t work

There are people, however, who don’t believe in the 90 day rule. Their argument is that no one actually waits for 90 days, anyway. Here are their reasons:

#1 It trivializes sex. The 90 day rule uses sex as some form of service that you owe to your date after they wait a certain amount of time for it. It also makes sex seem like some kind of currency that you exchange for spending on you on dates, giving you attention, and again, waiting. Sex and intimacy should be something that enhances the relationship, not used as a way to negotiate or have control over the other person.

#2 It assumes that men are just into sex. Since this 90 day rule came from Steven Harvey’s book, Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man, the rule assumes that the thought process of men revolves solely around sex, and that men want sex more and much earlier than women. However, more and more women are now also embracing and taking charge of their sexuality, making this rule pretty outdated.

#3 It encourages double standards in dating and relationships. The rule assumes that men are only after having sex with women, and that women are less likely to want to have sex right away. But what if it’s the guy who doesn’t want to have sex with the girl before getting to know each other? Men and women are sexual creatures and are both equally capable when it comes to expressing their sexuality honestly.

#4 It treats sex as a reward. You can’t really dangle having sex with you as a reward for “putting up with you” for 90 days. Sex really isn’t something that women bestow to men. Instead, it’s something that should be freely shared and enjoyed by both parties who are sure about their feelings, regardless of how many days they’ve been seeing each other.

#5 It sets up game-playing. Starting a relationship with such a rule does leave much room for authenticity and connection. It’s like you’re keeping score, and this creates an air of game-playing that undermines your reasons for seeing each other in the first place.

#6 It assumes that it’s slutty to give up the “cookie” early. It makes followers of the rule seem better than those who put out “early.” Associating having sex with being slutty affects women’s sense of sexuality and expression, as well as invites negativity about what could be an amazing, intimate connection.

#7 Even if a guy waits it out, that doesn’t necessarily make him “The One.” The 90 day rule doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be in a long-term, or even lifetime, relationship, nor does it guarantee that the guy will not cheat or hurt you in the end. The guys who have waited it out may well be as kind or as awful as those who didn’t. Who knows?

The verdict

Rules are made to be broken, remember that. There is no “right” time for being ready to have sex. What you have to consider is your preparedness *emotionally, most importantly*, comfort level, and connection with the person.

What it comes down to is how much effort you put into the relationship, even after you’ve had sex. Don’t put too much weight on sex. Instead value love, romance, happiness, and emotional connection above all.

While we’re not saying that you should go out there and jump in bed with the first guy you see, weighing the pros and cons of following the 90 day rule will allow you to see the bigger picture.

At the end of the day, it’s all up to you. When you feel that the time is right, you’ll know it, regardless of how many days it’s been.

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