Have you just found out that your boyfriend is gay? Here are 6 very important things to keep in mind when your man decides to come out of the closet.
Failed relationships happen to the best of us. We all know how the story goes. You’ve been dating for months, or even years, and things are great. Perhaps you’ve already said “I love you” and/or have moved in together, and you may even be seeing marriage in your near future.
And then there’s a boom!
Seemingly out of the blue, something happens. Your boyfriend starts slowly pulling away from you. First, there’s a drop in physical affection, and then activity in the bedroom dwindles to a bare minimum or nothing. Your honey may also become emotionally distant, unwilling to share things with you liked he used to.
If this has happened or is currently happening to you, you probably think that your boyfriend is mad at you for something that you’ve done, is having problems at work or school, or has been seeing another girl.
Of course, any of these possibilities could be true, but there is another possibility that you may not have considered. In the very near future, your boyfriend may let you in on a secret that will end up turning your relationship upside down – more specifically, he may make the shocking confession that he’s gay.
What to do when you find out your boyfriend or husband is gay
This may come as a surprise, especially if he seemed very physically attracted to you before. However, some guys don’t discover that they’re gay until after they’ve had a relationship with one or more females, or after a sexual experience with another male.
This realization probably didn’t happen for him overnight, either. It’s more likely that he figured this out at least several weeks back, but was struggling to find a way to tell you that wouldn’t break your heart.
On the other hand, in a few cases, some guys may know they’re gay all along, but think that they can “turn themselves straight” by going out with a beautiful girl, or are very good at pretending to be into girls in order to fit into society, but eventually get tired of doing it.
Dealing with the revelation
Whatever the reason that you’re hearing this for the first time may be, there are a few things that you must not do after he makes his confession, no matter how upset you are, and there are some things that you should do, too.
Realize that while this is undoubtedly a difficult and shocking time for you, it is for him as well. Not only does he have to admit to having a sexual orientation that’s still not universally accepted, he’s having to admit this to someone he’s been sharing his life with for a great deal of time, someone he still likely cares for very much and wants to see happy.
6 steps to deal with getting to know your man is gay
If you want to make the transition out of a romantic relationship as easy as possible for the both of you, while still maintaining the chance of remaining friends as you move on with the rest of your lives, heed the advice below.
#1 Be supportive
Recognize that telling you that he’s gay has been difficult for your boyfriend, and fight any urges to fly into a rage. You may feel like you’ve wasted tons of time in a useless relationship, but nothing’s useless if you’re able to learn something from it, and although you won’t appreciate this situation now, it’s the kind of experience that will help you grow as a person.
Plus, even though you certainly wouldn’t consider this one of them, you’ve likely had a lot of good times together as a couple, along with the usual bit of bad.
Under no circumstances should you try to make your boyfriend feel guilty for any time wasted, as he’s as much a victim here as you are. After all, he either didn’t realize that he wasn’t attracted to women, or felt, for some reason, that it was necessary to force himself to be.
If you happen to hold beliefs, religious or otherwise, that do not support homosexuality, keep those to yourself instead of using this incident as an opportunity to teach him a “morality” lesson. Being gay is something that he can’t change, regardless of whether you approve.
#2 Don’t blame yourself
While you mustn’t lash out and blame him for putting you in this situation, you shouldn’t blame yourself, either. No matter how much weight you lost, how many birthday surprises you dreamed up, or how many romantic dinners you cooked for him, he’d still be gay. His sexual orientation is all about him, and has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do.
If you’re straight, it wouldn’t matter how much another woman tried to woo you – you still wouldn’t be interested, right? You must accept that the same goes for him in relation to you, and stop focusing on what you could have done differently to “save” the relationship.
#3 Talk to friends and family
A breakup is always a difficult thing to go through, especially if it happens in this way, but the support of your friends and family will help you a great deal as you heal. If you and your former lover happen to share a lot of the same friends, and he doesn’t want them to know that he’s gay yet, confide in friends who don’t know him, and be vague for a little while when your mutual friends ask why the two of you broke up.
He can’t expect you to keep this a secret forever, though. Once you’ve given him a few weeks to adjust to his new status, feel free to provide those you’re both close to with more detail on the split. If he starts going out with other men, people he knows are going to find out about his true preferences anyway.
#4 Don’t offer to set him up with men
Due to not knowing what else to say, or wanting to keep yourself in this guy’s good graces, you may be tempted to try to set him up with other men. However, setting up a soon-to-be ex, no matter what gender they’re now into, is not the same as setting up a female pal, and any matchmaking you attempt to do will just end up being awkward and embarrassing for the two of you.
Moreover, if you realize that you’re not ready to see him date a guy after introductions have been made, you may feel tempted to sabotage a budding relationship, which wouldn’t be fair to him.
#5 Don’t try to change his mind
During the state of shock you’ll initially feel after he spills his secret, you may think that he’s just going through a temporary phase, and that you can “convince” him *in other words, beg and plead with him* to return to his senses.
Unfortunately, chances of that working out are low. If he went through the trouble of confessing this information to you, he’s likely certain that it’s true. Whatever you do, don’t agree to or offer to keep up a charade of a relationship for social reasons. Your happiness is worth more than that, and you will never find your real soulmate if you keep on pretending that it’s him.
#6 Don’t cut him out of your life completely
If you’re angry or sad, or just feel plain uncomfortable around your now ex-boyfriend, take some time away from him to process your feelings, but don’t cut the lines of communication forever. Even though he’s discovered that he’d prefer not to be intimate with women, you two must have been compatible in some ways if you were able to stay together for so long.
Therefore, you should try to maintain at least a casual connection. If he’s not responding to your occasional friendly calls or messages, and doesn’t seem to care about preserving ties, keep trying every so often – he’s likely embarrassed about what went down, and may come around.
Of course, there are a couple of exceptions to the importance of keeping in touch. If he’s downright nasty to you, or explicitly tells you to stop talking to him, then by all means, delete his number from your phone.
While your significant other admitting that he’s gay may seem like the end of the world, it really isn’t. You may feel quite dumbfounded for a while, as if your whole world has gone topsy-turvy, and if you see him with a guy romantically, it’s likely going to hurt a bit. Don’t worry though, these feelings will pass.
In a few months, as with all breakups, you’ll get over the sting and will be able to look back fondly at the good times, as opposed to dwelling on the bitter end. Eventually, you’ll be thankful that he let you go, since you can now find someone who will adore every last bit of you.
These 6 steps to deal with getting to know your man is gay are not the easiest to follow, especially when you feel bitter and cheated, but you need to remember that he too feels just as confused as you are.