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8 Aug

10 Popular Moves from Porn that Guys Do but Women Hate

Although every guy wants to be thought of as a porn star in bed, is that what women really want? Here are the downfalls of using those XXX moves.

We’ve all of us seen pornographic films from time to time. For some, this might be a very rare and occasional indulgence, whereas others spend so much time with their porn collection that they consider the likes of Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson their best friends, rather than the focus of their right-handed obsessions.

Whatever the level of interest, there has been a point in the porn-watching career of all guys when they’ve admired the performance of one of the male members *pun quite intended!* of the cast, and thought to themselves, “Now, that’s how I’m going to do it!”

Fact or phallusy?

But does this approach actually do it for women? The women on film appear to enjoy it – more than is actually humanly possible, it seems – with a torrent of joy-fueled expletives, screams, and rasping sighs. But let’s not forget that these women are very well-paid actors.

Whilst their bodies are on professional pornographic autopilot mode, their minds are probably going through the shopping list or what color they next want to paint the dining room in. Porn actresses are not real women, at least not on film, and their personal sexual preferences are not even similar to their onscreen personas.

Sex moves from porn that women hate

Want to mess up a relationship and/or leave a woman feeling downright ambivalent towards your sexual prowess? Then go ahead and try any one of the following wannabe porn star faux-pas.

#1 The money shot. An industry term for the final moments of a pornographic movie, where the male approaches climax whilst also approaching the female partner’s face with an erect member, and proceeds to anoint her in a rather unceremonious fashion. Whilst the actress seems to consider this whitewash as one of the pinnacle moments of her life so far, women in the real world are far less enthusiastic.

Many women are downright squeamish about semen, and they dislike the taste, touch or sight of it, but even those who can normally tolerate it object to having the stuff squirted forcefully into their eyeballs. This is a highly unpleasant event, causing prolonged stinging, possible infection and a probable cutting adrift of the man responsible.

#2 A dirty mouth. Although in porn world, it seems fairly acceptable to use course language, and although many couples like to talk dirty in bed, please do think carefully about what you’re saying. A particular favorite of the male porn actor is the B word in reference to the female object of his proclivities, a word that should be avoided in any context, other than when referring to a female dog.

Failure to heed this advice is likely to cause a ringing in the ears, heavy nosebleeds, and in some cases, complete and instantaneous castration.

#3 Candid camera. Just because John Holmes was surrounded by cameras when he undertook the act of physical love, doesn’t mean that it’s acceptable to turn your bedroom into a film studio before the event. Few women are likely to consent to being filmed during sex with anyone other than a long term partner, especially when it’s so easy to air that footage via the internet nowadays.

And if there’s a little devil on your shoulder telling you not to worry too much about consent, then do remember that unsolicited filming of a sexual act can result in a very expensive lawsuit!

#4 Wrestlemania. You may have noticed that in porn, the guys really are quite rough with their women. Now, to be fair, there are some women in the real world who like it that way too, and they will probably let you know.

However, most women don’t want to be taken back to some guy’s bedroom, only to be thrown around like a rag doll, while the guy jumps positions from imaginary camera shot to imaginary camera shot. Leave the wrestling at the gym, and treat your women with respect and consideration.

#5 Corporal punishment. There’s a lot of spanking that goes on in porn, you may also have noticed. Again, a light smack or two on the buttocks is a big turn on for many women, but what they’re not signing up for is to have their backsides beaten black and blue by someone who seems determined to re-enact some Victorian form of corporal punishment. Less pain, more gain!

#6 Tradesman’s entrance. I do feel kind of sorry for the male virgin who completed his sexual education at the hands of Ron Jeremy et al. He could be forgiven for thinking that every woman on planet earth bar none was not only accepting of anal sex, but positively willing to do it.

Of course, as any woman will tell you if you take the time to ask, this patently isn’t the case. Unless she’s actually one of the 0.00001% of women who wants nothing but anal sex, anal sex is, to be quite frank, a pain in the ass!

Attacking it with an erect penis, without prior consent and/or lube will be met with immediate yelps of pain – first hers, and then very shortly afterwards your own, as she swiftly attempts to launch your testicles somewhere into the region of your upper thorax. You’ve been warned!

#7 You must be choking! If you understand what the term “deep throat” means, then you’ll understand the relevance of the heading. Oral sex should be *must be, in fact* an integral part of a loving sexual relationship. However, shoving it so far down her throat that you manage to prod one of her lungs might make you see yourself as a porn star, but it is also likely to leave you seeing stars! If we need to explain to you that nearly choking to death isn’t that much of a turn on, then there really is very little hope.

#8 Tea anyone? Ever tried to take a pair of un-peeled rambutan into your mouth at the same time? Of course not, and there’s a reason for that – the reason being that shoving a large pair of hairy globes in your mouth is about as pleasant as… Well, shoving a large pair of hairy globes into your mouth!

An unexpected tea-bagging provides a very similar level of disgust and bewilderment, and is best left to the paid professionals. By the way, if you don’t know what rambutan or tea-baggings are, then look them up. You know how to use Google, right?

#9 A twist in the tale. For some reason, porn stars think it’s fine to grab a woman’s breasts and treat them like they were trying get a loaf of bread out of them. Women’s breasts and nipples are very sensitive, and treating them in a porn star style may very well have the unintended effect of turning her from a ball of burning passion into a committed block of ice.

#10 The roll off. He shoots, he scores, he disappears without so much as a goodbye! Fine for a porn star, but if you ever want to see her again, then you’d better rethink your approach.

If you’ve ever been guilty of any of these porn star-esque moves, or are thinking of incorporating them into your next session, then please, guys – think again. Respect your woman and make sex an incorporating, collaborative act, not one that’s going to leave her running for the singles bar!

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